Sunday, April 13, 2008

The River Turns Too Sharply

My life has changed so much in the last week that I am a little surprised to still be me and still be sitting here at the desk. I am going to stop thinking that things are going along so well, because every time I do, the river takes a sharp turn and I am disoriented again. I said my final goodbye to my son on Friday at his funeral (viewing, or whatever). It was not helpful. He did not look like my son. Thanks to Mary Beth and Nancy who both let me help and ignored me when I was not being helpful, the funeral service was written, printed and was a product of excellence. One of the best parts was when everyone who wanted to got to say what they remembered about Bill. Some of them were gorgeous.

I didn't feel that I spent enough time with Bill's wife, but she couldn't stop crying to talk. I hope to get up there soon and spend time with her. Between her and Sarah I think Marshall will get raised and well. I will help all I can.

The music, besides the Vivaldi, was an unknown quantity to me. It really was just noise. and then I read Mary Beth's writing of the words and I love them. I realize that I can't hear the voice over the music so I miss the whole thing. It is simply noise to my ears. This new music is something I think I would like if I could just hear it. Gotta get that hearing aid.

Now, to the nitty gritty. I am not a cryer, usually. My daughters were there to help me and many friends, and I made this work almost on automatic pilot. We left soon after the ceremony and got home before dark. I spent Saturday in my chair. Friends brought food and we ate. I was supposed to be LEM at church Sunday and I was afraid I would fall apart if I did, so I found a sub. Good thing. I sat on the back row at church and bawled all thru the service. In a very ladylike, quiet way, of course. I'm not sure I'm finished yet. I may have to cry some more and that's ok.

I thank God continually for Bills life and that he and I reconciled before he died. I just didn't know how close I was cutting it. You see, children aren't supposed to die before their parents. It just isn't supposed to work that way. It is still unbelievable that it happened.

Thank you, Elastigirl for coming and helping us with this. Thank you everyone who has helped hold me together, I really wish I were able to lie on the floor and beat it with my fists and kick it and scream. But it wouldn't help, and my body won't do that anyway. I will stay close to my Christian friends and they will love me thru this, I know. Thank you, God, for loving Christian friends. And for close, loving family.

Watch out for that river.....


Mary Beth said...

Yeah, the lyrics I posted are really nice. The lyrics to Aqualung, not so much. At all. :) So be glad you didn't hear them.

But they were Marshall's choice and Bill would have been tickled.

love you.

Cathy said...

MJ, I have thought and prayed for you and your family. Your reflection post about all the you have experienced is so beautiful, even if it is painful.

Love to all of you. Cathy